The 'Ole in the Ark

by Marriott Edgar (1937)
Illustrations by John Hassall

Q: What animal could Noah not trust?
A: The Cheetah.

Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest intelligence?
A. The giraffe.

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?
A: One is made of wood and the other is Maid of Orléans.

After the Ark had successfully settled on Mt. Ararat, the survivors went forth. After a while, a little girl noticed Noah sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, Noah would chew a particularly hirsute hide and write a number on a tablet. The girl asked her mum what he was doing, to which mum replied, "What can I say; there is No-ah counting fur taste."

And you've noah doubt herd of dozens of other jokes in the ark hives.

Marriott Edgar, however, pushed the boat out with this poem: The 'Ole in the Ark.

One evening at dusk as Noah stood on his Ark,
Putting green oil in starboard side lamp,
His wife came along and said, "Noah, summat's wrong,
Our cabin is getting quite damp."

Noah said, "Is that so?" Then he went down below,
And found it were right what she'd said,
For there on the floor quite a puddle he saw,
It was slopping around under t' bed.

Said he, "There's an 'ole in the bottom somewhere,
We must find it before we retire."
Then he thowt for a bit, and he said "Aye, that's it,
A bloodhound is what we require."

So he went and fetched bloodhound from place where it lay,
'Tween the skunk and the polecat it were,
And as things there below, were a trifle so-so,
It were glad of a breath of fresh air.

They followed the hound as it went sniffing round,
'Til at last they located the leak,
'Twere a small hole in the side, about two inches wide,
Where a swordfish had poked in its beak.

And by gum! how the wet squirted in through that hole,
Well, young Shem who at sums was expert,
Worked it out on his slate that it came at the rate,
Of per gallon, per second, per squirt.

The bloodhound tried hard to keep water in check,
By lapping it up with his tongue,
But it came in so fast through that hole, that at last,
He shoved in his nose for a bung.

The poor faithful hound, he were very near drowned,
They dragged him away none too soon,
For the stream as it rose, pushed its way up his nose,
And blew him up like a balloon.

And then Mrs Noah shoved her elbow in t'hole,
And said, "Eh! it's stopped I believe,"
But they found very soon as she'd altered her tune,
For the water had got up her sleeve.

When she saw as her elbow weren't doing much good,
She said to Noah, "I've an idea,
You sit on the leak and by t'end of the week,
There's no knowing, the weather may clear."

Noah didn't think much to this notion, at all,
But reckoned he'd give it a try,
On the 'ole down he flopped, and the leaking all stopped,
And all... except him, was quite dry.

They took him his breakfast and dinner and tea,
As day after day there he sat,
'Til the rain was all passed and they landed at last,
On top side of Mount Ararat.

And that is how Noah got them all safe ashore,
But ever since then, strange to tell,
Them as helped save the Ark has all carried a mark,
Aye, and all their descendants as well.

That's why dog has a cold nose, and ladies cold elbows,
You'll also find if you enquire,
That's why a man takes his coat tails in hand,
And stands with his back to the fire.