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by Marriott Edgar
Illustrations by John Hassall
Joe Ramsbottom is another poem of Edgar's that includes a term rapidly disappearing from the Northern English language: 'gormless', a gentle form of bird-brain stupidity and the bane of anyone with the Christian name 'Gordon' or the surname 'Gormley'.
The word comes from the Old Norse gaumr (heed). 'Gormless' can precede the intensifier 'ha'porth' (posh form, often shortened to 'ay-pth'), meaning a half-penny's worth. Example: "You've put salt in t' sugar pot, y' gormless ay-pth!"
This poem is where Joe dithers, schizophrenically talking to himself at length. Such intrapersonal communication is indeed a 'monologue'.
The poem goes on to show that talking to oneself helps concentration, can make sense of a situation and often permits our conscience to take control.
People do say that I'm gormless for talking to myself, and perhaps I am, because I often tell myself I'm gormless.
Joe Ramsbottom rented a bit of a farm
From its owner, Squire Goslett his name;
And the Gosletts came over with William the First,
And found Ramsbottoms here when they came.
One day Joe were ploughing his three-acre field
When the front of his plough hit a rock,
And on closer inspection o' t' damage he found
As the coulter had snapped wi' the shock.
He'd got a spare coulter at home in his shed,
But that were some distance away,
And he reckoned by t' time he had been there and back
He'd have wasted best part of the day.
The accident 'appened not far from the place
Where the Squire had his sumptuous abode;
He thought he might borrow a coulter from him,
And save going back all that road.
He were going to ask... but he suddenly stopped,
And he said "Nay, I'd better not call;
He might think it cheek I borrowed from him,
I'd best get my own after all."
He were going off back when he turned to himself
And said "That's a gormless idea;
The land you were ploughing belongs to the Squire,
It were 'is rock as caused all this 'ere!"
This 'eartened Joe up, so he set off again,
But he very soon stopped as before,
And he said "Happen Squire'II have comp'ny to tea,
Nay I'd, better go round to t' back."
Then he answered himself in a manner quite stern
And said "Here's a nice how-de-do!
You can manage without him when all's said and done,
And where would he be without you?"
Joe knew this were right and he knew it were just,
But he didn't seem happy somehow,
So he said "Well, there's no harm in paying a call,
And I needn't say owt about plough."
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