Did you hear the one about...



No serious joke (and there's yet another oxymoron) page about the English language could be complete without a collection of puns. Here are a few schoolboy jokes.

History lesson

  • Q: What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?
    A: One is made of wood and the other is Maid of Orléans.
  • The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

Science lesson

  • A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
  • Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
    "No, I lost an electron!"
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yeah, I'm positive!"
  • I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  • She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Sports and games lesson

  • A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
    "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
    "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  • A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
    Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Life lessons

  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  • A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  • A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
  • A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
  • The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • A man jumped off the bridge in Paris. He was in Seine.
  • A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

And even more...

The Christian pooch
Two nuns
What the Bible says about tea
Mary Poppins
The Lone Ranger
The frog
The bear
Bob and Betty Hill
The bus conductor
Russian winter
A piece of string
Another piece of string
A piece of wood
Shaggy wasp story
The coffin

English quirks index


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