Did you hear the one about...

New English Vocabulary


Thousands of new words are added to English dictionaries every year. Even so, we are sometimes lost for words.

For example, what do you say to that over-enthusiastic artist who, frankly, gives you a headache in your bum, and proudly shows his painting which you find truly appalling. The colours remind you of toe fungus and the subject makes you feel like Lucifer is licking your brain. What do you say? You might manage: "It's interesting" before making an excuse to leave.

Here's a collection of English words that don't exist yet.

Perhaps they should!

Words that don't yet exist

  • Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bath tap on and off with your toes.
  • Carperpetuation: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a piece of string or lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
  • Disconfect: To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
  • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  • Elbonics: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a cinema or plane.
  • Frust: The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
  • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
  • Lactomangulation: Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
  • Peppier: The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
  • Phonesia: The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
  • Pupkus: The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
  • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  • Telecrastination: The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

New definitions for existing terms

  • Inkling: A baby fountain pen
  • Claustrophobic: A fear of Father Christmas
  • Subordinate Clauses: Santa's little helpers
  • Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk
  • Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown
  • Lymph: To walk with a lisp
  • Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
  • Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline
  • Good health: The slowest possible rate at which one can die
  • Nervous wreck: An anxious ship at the bottom of the ocean
  • Gargoyle: Olive-flavoured mouthwash
  • Psychopath: The route taken by crazy people
  • Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs
  • Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained
  • Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
  • A short, Straight piece of wood: Half a boomerang
  • Monastery: A home for unmarried fathers
  • Xenophobic: A fear of starting words with the letter Z
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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